Life’s too short for ugly clothes

“Life’s too short for ugly clothes.”

“You sound like something out of Cosmo. Please, tell me you are not reading Cosmo. Hasn’t it been established that it rots the brain as surely as candy rots teeth?” Francine told her infuriatingly blase sister.

Rolling her eyes, Gina stood in front of the full-length mirror in the only dress shop her stubborn sister would enter willingly and ignored her latest gibe. She proceeded to survey her reflection with satisfaction. This separation from her husband had done wonders for her that five years of exercise and weight watchers hadn’t, with loads less money spent.

“So, what do you think?” she asked turning around and doing her best Vanna White impression.

“Where’s the rest of it?” Francine said, not at all amused. “Come on, spill it.”

“Excuse me?  I don’t want to look like a frumpy old housewife in sweats any longer,” Gina retorted.

“Gina, what’s going on?” Francine asked anxiously.  “You don’t see me for two month, you don’t even return calls and out of the blue you want to go shopping and this is what you consider appropriate for a mother of two? Hookers dress better than this, Gina.”

Gina turned back to the mirror and glared at her sister’s reflection as she smoothed down what little there was of the skirt. The time had come, she realized. She inhaled a fortifying breath before saying calmly, “Rick and I are separated.” 

She braced herself for the diatribe Francine would certainly unleash on her. The expression on her sister, however, was quite different from what she expected. “What? I’m sure you must have something to say,” she snapped.

“Two months, I’m assuming?”  Francine asked quietly. Gina nodded. She removed the dress and slipped on another.

 “ Is he cheating on you?” she asked skeptically.  Rick wasn’t the type. Or was he? Aren’t all males the type?

Leave it to Francine to get down to the nuts and bolts. She could always make Gina sound stupid. But maybe, she realized suddenly,  she was stupid. “It wasn’t just one thing. It’s been escalating for years. He makes me crazy,”Gina said defensively.

Francine tried desperately to keep a straight face. She knew Rick truly wasn’t the reason for her sister’s insanity, but she also realized she shouldn’t tell her this. “There must have been a last straw. What was it?” she asked casually as she rehung the tramp outfit and made a mental note to hide it in the maternity section so Gina couldn’t actually buy it.

Gina grimaced as she remembered all too well  a very hurt looking Rick she kicked out of the house. Francine would either kill her or laugh. Gina didn’t know which would be worse. “He’s ...well you know how he is. He’s as bad as that guy on the TV show...what’s his name? The priest ...nun ....bishop... ...minister...pope, one of those.”

“Do you mean Monk?” she asked rolling her eyes and shaking her head in exasperation. “Continue, please." She  kind of knew where this was going.

“You know what it’s like running around all day with the kids and I just needed some down time, so I sat the kids in front of the TV with a package of cookies and just sat down to read a magazine.”

“Cosmo, no doubt,” Francine muttered under her breath.

“Well, he makes me feel... inadequate,” she said plaintively.

“You’re gonna have to be more specific. Inadequate as a detective,  mother,  lover,  kite flier.”

“Everything!"

Francine sighed. "One example, if you please."

"Well, he comes home from work and instead of asking why dinner isn’t ready and why the house is a mess and why the kids are vegging out in front of the TV stuffing their faces with cookies he cleans the kitchen and  makes dinner for me.”

Francine stared at her sister, a blank expression on her face, as she awaited the punch-line. When none came she proceeded into sarcastic-mode which always went over Gina’s head. She nodded sympathetically saying “Yeah, I see what you mean. That is horrible. The nerve of the man to help out with chores that are expressly yours. What did he make for dinner?”

“He took all the leftovers and created another  Rick-supreme and the kids loved it, more than the cookies!” she shrieked.

“They were only store bought cookies,” Francine stated. “I’m sure if they were home baked the kids would have turned down a delicious hot meal.” At this point Francine was wondering how her ribs hadn’t cracked yet from her trying not to laugh.

“And you know what else?” All this sympathy was spurring Gina on to greater heights. “He’s always putting my spice rack in alphabetical order and the other day I made oregano flavored oatmeal when I thought I was grabbing the cinnamon.” 

This was Francine’s breaking point. She could no longer keep the straight face and she burst out laughing.

 The indignation on Gina’s face sobered her. 

“I’m sorry, but oregano flavored oatmeal...tell me that’s not a kick.” Francine straighten her face again with difficulty and continued kindly. “And here I thought it was something frivolous like he was ignoring you or a terrible lover. Yes, this is serious.”

“Don’t even get me started on that! He’s all over me! If I let him we’d be doing it three times a day!” Gina shouted.

“And that was before you lost the weight? He’s hideous. It must have been torture.” Francine couldn’t believe her sister was as thick as this. Rick could easily replace any hunk Hollywood could produce. Who wouldn’t want him all over her?

“Well, not torture. He’s really good and...” she stopped when Francine held up her hand with a pained expression on her face.

“Please, I don’t think I can take the bragging when I have to go home to Sam,” Francine said, bracingly. “Is there anything else?” she asked, growing impatient. She should have such problems!

“Isn’t that enough?” Gina asked making a weird face. Had Francine listened at all?

“Enough for what exactly?”

“To break up,” she said sounding exasperated.

Francine looked at her sister for a moment and decided the best way to show absurdity is to be absurd. But would it go over Gina’s thick head? It was a possibility. 

“Sam and I once thought about breaking up,” she said casually as she slipped out of her jeans and tried on one of the  tramp outfits scattered around them. It was a size too small.

Gina’s eyes popped out of her head. “Really? You never told me. What happened?”

“Well, there was just one thing that neither one of us was willing to live without and since I wasn’t willing to give it up and Sam wasn’t we decided to just stay together.”

Gina nodded knowledgeably. “It was the kids.”

“Oh, no, Sam knew he wouldn’t be able to handle the little monsters. We both wanted the blender.”

“Huh?” Gina knew she must have heard wrong.

“You know I need it to puree my tomato sauce and after basketball Sam always has to replenish the fifty calories he expends by making a four hundred calorie milk shake. He needs the blender as much as I do so we had to stay together.”

Gina blinked several times. “You could just have bought another blender. They’re only twenty bucks at K-mart," she said.

“But I like my blender. I know its quirks, I can work with it and get it going when needed. Yes, the frappe button is broken, but I don’t need it like other people do. I’m used to my blender and there's nothing saying I get another one that works as well with me. It’s taking a chance, a big chance. I’ll just keep Sam and my blender,” Francine said, wondering if her sister would get the point.

Gina stared at her sister. “It’s just a blender.”

“No, actually, it’s a metaphor.”

“Huh?”

Francine laughed. She had managed to squeeze her amble self into the ultra-mini dress.  “What do you think?”

“You...you’re not...I mean...Sam would...”

“It’s not for Sam. I thought we’d go on a girls-night-out and see how many guys we can pick up. Debbie would love to come too, but maybe I should set her up with Rick!” she said excitedly until she felt the seams start to go on the dress.  “This explains why Rick came over yesterday. He helped me with the dishes instead of watching the game with Sam.”

“You saw Rick and you didn’t tell me?” Gina shrieked.

“Well, it’s not like you want him anymore and I didn’t even know about the break up. If I had, I would have made my move on him. Three times a day sounds nice, but I’m pretty sure he doesn’t like blondes, but I can always dye my hair. Heck, for three times a day I’ll shave my head!”

“Hey, what the heck. He’s my husband!” Gina shouted.

“What did you expect would happen when you let a guy like Rick loose on the world of desperate women looking for anything half as good as he is? Oh, and by the way, he’s looking better than usual. I guess the lack of three-times-a-day has left him with time on his hands. He’s been working out. He’s got some six-pack on him now.”

Gina glared at her sister in utter indignation. “And how do you know this?” she muttered jealously.

“Maybe his t-shirt shrunk in the wash,” Francine stated with a careless shrug. Oh, but how she enjoyed the look of horror on her sister’s face. She was on the right track. “I’m actually surprised he would come to our house when he could’ve gone to Willie’s bar. It was lady’s night and he could have had his pick. The girls would have been all over him. He talked about you instead, go figure.”

“What did he say?”

“He asked what I thought you would like for your birthday. I reminded him that it wasn’t for another two months, but he didn’t think it was much time to get something really good for you. Yeah, that’s the kind of guy I’d like to strangle. Sam usually remembers my birthday two or three days after it’s past and then says ‘Hey, babe, you don’t look so bad for being so old.’ Romantic, don’t you think?”

Gina looked even more horrified and she sat down on the dressing room floor with her head in her hands. “What have I done?”

“I’d say the stupidest thing ever, but that’s coming from someone who would gladly trade her beer guzzling, lazy, procrastinating, couch-potato husband for the glorious specimen of male flesh that you still can call your guy.” Francine took a deep breath  before continuing. “What do you want from him to make it all better?”

Gina frowned.  “I don’t know.”

“Think, Gina. What is it that has been better these past two months without him? The lack of three times a day?”

“No actually, that was the worst part. I didn’t think I’d miss it so much.”

“So were you planning on getting a replacement for Rick using this outfit? ‘Cause I can guarantee anyone you get won’t be nearly as good as Rick,” Francine told her point blank.

“How do you know?” she asked suspiciously.

“I have loads of friends recently divorced, single even widowed that are looking and they tell me horror stories. Rick will have no problem getting a step mother for your kids and she might have kids of her own. Extending the family. How nice.” Francine left the changing room with Gina at her heels.

“You think he’s dating already?” Gina asked anxiously.

“What do you care? I have several friends that would love him,” Francine said.

“I don’t want you talking to Rick! He’s still mine,” Gina stated angrily.

“Yeah, but do you really want to live with oregano flavored oatmeal?”

Gina made a face. “Could you tell him to leave my spice rack alone?”

Francine glared at her. “What, are we back in high school? Do you want me to ask Sam to ask Rick if he likes you so you can go to the prom?” she asked doing her best  teenager impersonation. “Come on, Gina!  Rick was so sad and I couldn’t figure out why. He actually misses you and any guy that is willing  to put up with you... well, you best latch onto him and don’t let go. Now, if you don’t mind, I’m going to K-Mart to find a blender that I’m willing to trade for Sam. Maybe I need that Frappe button after all.”