Divorce Ruined

“I want a divorce, Mitch,” she said casually, in between licks of her double chocolate ice cream cone.

“Sorry, Marisa, we can’t afford one,” he replied in an equally casual tone as he also enjoyed his ice cream cone, this one of mint chocolate.

They were sitting on a bench in the middle of an extremely busy, loud and raucous mall waiting for their kids to come out of the cinema where they were enjoying the latest Harry Potter movie. Mitch had his arm around Marisa’s shoulders and she had her head resting on his. They switched cones midway.

“Well, how much does a divorce cost?” she asked, taking a lick of the mint chocolate.

“The divorce itself not much I’m thinking, if you only count the lawyer fees and if it’s an amiable one.”

“Are there ever amiable ones?” she asked.

“Well, sure, if both parties agree to everything,” he said, shrugging.

“Oh, sure. They start agreeing on everything for the divorce proceedings? Wouldn’t that mean they should stick together?” she said giggling as they switched cones again.

“That does seem funny,” he said chuckling. He kissed her cheek and noticing he got ice cream on her he licked it off.

“Two can play that game, bud,” she said as she touched her cone to his chin and licked it off.

He merely laughed. “If you think that’s gonna get you a divorce the answer is still no.”

She stuck her tongue out at him. “So, give me a round number. How much do you suppose?” she said turning serious.

“Well, when Gary and Betty got their divorce he told me it was somewhere around eight thousand,” he replied.

“Really? That much just for a piece of paper saying “I don’t love you and you don’t love me”? That seems harsh. Unconscionable really,” she said, indignant. “So, you’re saying divorce is only for rich people?”

“That’s going cheap, Marisa. Some can be close to a million if there’s custody of kids to worry about and haggling about who gets what, and this one charges that one with infidelity and blah, blah, blah. It can go on forever. Scary stuff. Why do you think I tried to talk Gary out of it?”

“I thought you told him he should divorce Betty,” she said, astonished.

“After it was apparent they were both going to be endlessly unhappy if they remained together. He was just so cruel to her in the end. He really didn’t care a whit about her. He’s an insensitive clod and I say that with the deepest affection for my best friend. It was a kindness to just put their miserable marriage to an end. I kind of felt bad for her. She didn’t deserve that.”

 “You told me you didn’t like her because she thinks you so beneath her and Gary.”

“Oh, but she is,” he answered sarcastically, “She’s a PHD and a professor in a half-rate community college and me? Well, I’m just a lowly, uneducated plumber who just happens to make ten time the money she does. Doesn’t matter that I actually know how to add in my head.”

They both laughed heartily over the private joke. “Imagine someone of her education not knowing one and a half plus one and a half equals three. For a professor of communication she couldn’t string a sentence together that made any sense. She couldn’t speak any better than she could add,” Marisa stated frankly. “Honestly, she goes on and on meandering about a topic saying nothing. How can anyone so “smart” be so stupid?”

“The effect of too much education?” he said smirking.

“I suppose I should be glad I only finished high school then,” she replied with a sigh. “But I guess I kind of feel sorry for her, too. She seemed to really like Gary.”

“I think she mostly liked his income. He made twenty times her professor’s salary, you know. It all comes down to money.”

“So, really, you won’t give me a divorce just cuz it’ll cost some big bucks? How about if I promise to be amiable and I won’t insist on full custody and I won’t insist on alimony,” she said.

“You better not insist on alimony cuz you ain’t getting any. More judges aren’t giving alimony anymore,” he said. “You’d be on you own and I know you wouldn’t want that. I mean, we live relatively comfortably on my income,but with two households it’s like splitting it in half. Alimony ain’t cheap. That’s why every divorced man out there is bitter.”

“I thought you said you wouldn’t give me alimony,” she said looking astonished.

“You think I would leave you to live in squalor? If we were to divorce we would have to sell the house and get something smaller and cheaper for you and the kids.”

“I’d have to get a job,” she said making a face. “I only know how to be a housewife. But we would share custody. I wouldn’t want to take the kids from you. They need you, Mitch, just as much as me,” she insisted.

“But how would that work, Marisa? I wouldn’t have time to tend to them. I’d have two households to maintain instead of one so I’d have to work double hard. I just wouldn’t have enough time for them.”

“That ruins everything,” she said. “Jake wants you to coach his team next spring and Tiffany loves it when you read to her at bedtime. It’s your special alone time.”

“We’d have to all make sacrifices. I did really get into this last book. I want to find out if Colin gets better in the end,” he said wistfully.

“I guess there’s more than the money cost in divorce,” she said.

“Kids wouldn’t like a divorce and it’s definitely cheaper to stay married. Only one household to maintain. You keep house and take care of the kids and stuff and I do the money making, fix the cars and do yard work. It works out fine if we can tolerate each other.”

She bit into her cone in thoughtful silence then said, “But, Mitch, tell the truth. You’re getting tired of me, aren’t you? I’m not a spring chick anymore. I think you’d like to dump me for some barely of age hot babe,” she said.

“And what would I have in common with one of those? They won’t even know who Springsteen, the Who or the Talking Heads are,” he replied dismissively.

“Is that why you stick with me? Because I know what music you like?” she asked. “That means I could easily be replaced by a juke box, huh?”

He almost choked on his ice cream he laughed so hard.  “No fair, Marisa,” he said after he could breathe again. “Just cuz I won’t give you a divorce doesn’t mean you gotta kill me!”

“How else will I get you in a fancy suit? You’ll look very nice in your coffin,” she retorted.

“I already told you I want my body donated to science when I die. Someone should figure out what made me so magnificent,” he said smugly.

Her turn to snort with laughter. They were laughing so loudly people were staring at them especially the couple who had been sitting adjacent to them in stony silence listening intently to their entire conversation, though pretending not to.

“Hi, Mommy. Hi, Daddy,” their daughter, Tiffany said.

“What’s so funny?” their son Jacob asked.

They grinned at their kids and got up from the bench. “Nothing much,” Marisa told them giving them each a quick hug.

“We just decided to stay together,” Mitch replied, picking up Tiffany, kissing her nose and taking Marisa by the hand.

That’s good cuz we gotta tell you about the movie. It was awesome!” Jacob shouted.

“Soon as we get in the car, Buddy,” Mitch replied as he tousled his hair affectionately. They walked happily away, a tightly linked family unit.

“Well?” Mitch asked,looking at Marisa.

 She was looking back at the couple on the bench. “She moved closer to him...They’re talking.... he’s holding her hand....she kissed him....and he’s kissing her...now they’re  laughing--probably about us, I’d say. That’s a start,” she replied beaming up at Mitch. “Mission accomplished.”

“Another divorce ruined. Another marriage saved. We are good,” he said winking and they both laughed.