Inheriting Insanity

“You know, if he hadn’t died, he’d still be alive today,” Wally said in philosophical tones.

Troy glanced at Jasmine and quickly looked away. She was also trying desperately not to burst out laughing. He cleared his throat, straightened his face, nodded gravely and said, “I know what you mean, Grandpa Wally. Anyway, thanks for coming to my party. Jasmine wanted to meet all my relatives.”  

He smiled bracingly. Why she wanted to meet all these nut jobs was beyond him. If she still liked him after tonight he’d know for certain she was meant for him. Please, God, let her still like him after tonight!

“You’re a sweet young thing, Janet. Troy’s very lucky to have you,” Wally said, looking her over, top to bottom and pausing significantly at the bust line.

“Jasmine, Grandpa Wally. My girlfriend’s name is Jasmine. Her twin is Janet,” Troy told him with a possessive arm around her.

“Twins, huh? I never had twins myself. Would be nice. Knew a man once who did. He told me...”

“Grandpa Wally....I just saw Uncle Darryl,” Troy said quickly. “I should say hello to him before he finds the vodka. Talk to you later.”  Troy grabbed a now shaking-with-suppressed-laughter Jasmine and whisked her away as fast as he could without actually dragging her.

“He’s so cute,” she said giggling.

He stared at her, aghast. “Only you could call that dirty old man cute. Have I told you lately I love you?” he said.

“It has been a few minutes,” she said before grabbing his face and kissing him.

He melted. “Let’s hide under an oak tree and do that some more.”

“But I’ve hardly met anyone yet. How about this Uncle Darryl? Who is he?” she asked looking around the backyard. Tons of people lounged by the pool, ate and drank to excess and some even danced, and very exuberantly too. One couple just knocked over the ice bucket doing what looked like a cross between the hustle and the rumba.

“I want to know how to dance like that.” she said giggling some more.

“Just as long as you still like me in the morning,” Troy said with a pained grimace. “Here comes Uncle Darryl now. Let’s not mention Janet, okay?” he said quickly before turning and swiftly getting a massive hug from his uncle. “Hey, Uncle Darryl. Thanks for coming,” he said rubbing his now bruised ribs.

“Not every day we turn a whopping nineteen years old!” Darryl shouted.

“No, I think that’s exclusively a once in a lifetime shot, if I’m not mistaken,” Jasmine said with a knowing smirk.

“Uncle Darryl, it’s not my birthday,” Troy said.

“Then who’s birthday is it?” he said, swaying on the spot. He had obviously already found the vodka and possibly the whiskey, too.

“It’s my graduation,” Troy told him.

“Well, there ya go! Now you’re ready for the world with a college degree in your...hic!...’scuse me.”

“High school,” Troy said wearily.

“What’s that?” Uncle Darryl asked, confused.

“I’m graduating from high school,” Troy said, annunciating each word carefully.

“So, when’s that party gonna be? Can’t wait for it. Your folks give the best...hic!...uh...what was I saying?”

Jasmine thought she might pee in her pants if she didn’t laugh. Troy, on the other hand, groaned.

“Dad’s calling you, Uncle Darryl. It was good talking to you,” he said politely and steered him toward the grill where Greg stood barbequing steaks and chugging beer. They watched Darryl walk in a very crooked line then suddenly he veered off and jumped in the pool, completely clothed.

“Oh, boy,” Troy said making sure his uncle wasn’t going to drown before turning back to Jasmine. “Billy will get him out. So, ready to call it quits? Wanna find a new boyfriend?”

Before she could answer a woman with huge sunglasses and an equally large floppy hat approached them waving her cigar around as if to make as much smoke as possible.

“Troy, been looking for you,” she said brusquely eying Jasmine with keen interest.

“Hi, Aunt Glady. Um, this is my girlfriend Jasmine,” Troy said apprehensively.

“Nice to meet you,” Jasmine said, smiling.

“There’s two of you,” Glady said, sucking unmercifully on the stogie.

“No,” Troy said clenching his teeth together to keep from losing his temper. “There’s only one Jasmine. Her sister is Janet.”

“Dating both, are you?” she asked, carelessly blowing smoke at them.

“Of course not!” Troy shouted.

“It’s a very common male fantasy, Troy. Jasmine, you like the idea of doubling up with her sister and...”

“Aunt Glady!” Troy shouted. “It’s just me and Jasmine. That’s it.”

“Well, how can you tell them apart?” she persisted blowing smoke at them again.

“Very easily,” he said, waving the smoke away. “They’re nothing alike.”

“Well, now you just ruined your excuse when Janet catches you with her sister.”

“I don’t need an excuse and this is Jasmine,” he snarled.

“Troy, I think your mother’s calling us,” Jasmine interjected. “We better go see what she wants. It was really nice meeting you, Glady.”

“Likewise,” she said, watching them sprint away.

“You’d think they were all conspiring to ruin things for me with you,” Troy whined.

“Nothing they say can do that. You and me, we’re stuck like glue. Okay?” Jasmine said.

Troy looked up and saw his cousin coming towards them. “Remember that after this,” he mumbled before saying “Hey, Zach.”

“Nice,” Zach said grinning lustfully at Jasmine and completely ignoring his cousin. “Wanna dance?”

“Zach, this is MY girlfriend,” Troy said.

“You get the other one,” he said grabbing her hand.

Jasmine yanked it back with a stiff smile. “I only dance with Troy, but thank you anyway. It’s nice meeting you.” She then took Troy’s arm and pulled him away. “Okay, so he’s not so cute. But he sure makes you look like a prince,” she said.

They went to the grill and Greg handed Troy a bottle of beer. “What’s this for, Dad?” Troy asked.

“Whadaya think? Drink it. According to Darryl it’s your birthday again. That makes you old enough to grab a few beers,” he answered. He shoved a plate with a huge steak at him. “Want one, Janet?”

“Dad, this is Jasmine! You’ve known her since she was a little kid. Can’t you tell the twins apart yet?” Troy angrily said.

“Not after a few beers,” Greg replied with a wink to Jasmine. She giggled and took a plate from him. She pulled Troy away and led him to the swing under the Harlequin maple tree. http://www.helium.com/items/1657280-different-types-of-maple-trees Its variegated leaves glimmered in the sunlight and provided just enough cover for a tiny bit of privacy. They only pretended to eat. Kissing was far more important at the moment until Janet showed up, boisterous as ever.

“Hey, when were you two gonna tell me about this threesome we’re supposed to do?” she asked without preamble. “You should know I need two weeks notice for such activity.”

Jasmine sighed and reluctantly released Troy. “Heard about that, have you?” she asked. “Who told you? Grandpa Wally?”

“No, Aunt Glady. She’s a hoot!” Janet said laughing. Troy groaned and put his head in his hands. “Got a headache? Need an aspirin?”

“No, just a new family,” he growled. “I’m afraid of inheriting insanity.”

“Too late for that. I’ll take them. They crack me up,” Janet told them as she stole a piece of meat off their plate and popped it into her mouth. “I’m almost willing to marry your brother just to join the clan.”

Troy glared at her. “But you hate Jimmy!” he shrieked.

“And your point is?” Janet said. “I could put up with him just so I could have a party like this every few months. All I gotta do is cut off his...Ooh! There’s Grandpa Wally. I love that guy!”  She promptly got up and accosted the old man. “Hey, Grandpa, you ever have a threesome? I need advice cuz you know what Aunt Glady just told me...”

Troy banged his head against the tree trunk. “Oh, sure. She wants to marry into my insane family,” he whined.

“She’s not the only one,” Jasmine said.

He gaped at her and she smiled and fed him some steak.

“You’re not teasing me?” he asked.

“Course not.”

“Really, Jasmine? Would you want to marry me someday even knowing I have all these weirdos in the family? Our kids might be...I dunno...demented or something,” he said anxiously.

She giggled and kissed him. “Just as long as I’ve got you I won’t mind anything else, even inheriting insanity. You do realize I have Janet in the family and you never did meet my cousin Rhonda. Talk about scary! We should set her up with Zach.”

“You must be crazy, too, but somehow I don’t mind it from you,” Troy said happily.

Troy hugged Jasmine and swore to himself he would never let her go.

It wasn’t so bad, after all, inheriting family insanity. He might only inherit Grandpa Wally’s gold watch one day. He wouldn’t hold his breath though.